Nostalgia

And we remember the days when we believed that we would be happy and successful and in love, and moreover, that happiness, success and love would come quickly and easily, like we were led to believe.

Alright, London, alright... I still love you.

dépaysé

City Song

"The city called me so I came

It isn't mine to question what it said

I sleep until the point when I'm awake

I walk until there's nothing left to trek

And everyone is looking for an answer

And everyone is waiting for a break

I came and I was bored of it soon after

But I had nowhere to go and so I stayed

I dreamed a lifetime of this place

It seemed an awful thing to waste"

Emmy the Great

Over the past week, I've found myself missing Vancouver quite a bit. I think it's the first time I've actually really, really missed it since I moved to London in 2008. I always miss the forests and the ocean and the mountains and the accessibility of beautiful deep, dark wilderness. But Vancouver itself, not so much. So why now?

It may be because the city has been at the height of olympic fever for the last couple weeks, and that everyone seems to be having the time of their lives back at home. Or it may be because it's March and I'm still banging my head against the wall here in London. The city is waking up to spring, but I'm still frozen in the battles of the winter.

Now that I have my 2-year visa - now that I no longer have to fight to be in London - I don't even know if I want to be here anymore. I was convinced that I did, but maybe that was just because I had nowhere else I felt I wanted to go? Or because I was clinging onto something that is no longer here, or wasn't even here to begin with?

The last week is the first time in a long time that I've actually looked at Canada as being a possibility for the future; a place where I am relevant and wanted and loved. Lately I've felt really irrelevant and foreign in London, and like I'll always be an outsider. It's nice to know that somewhere in the world, I'm home, I'll always be home, and I don't have to fight for that right. I may never be a Londoner, but I'll always be a Vancouverite.

I've been listening incessantly to Emmy the Great over the last couple days, and it made me realize that some of the artists I have most fallen in love with over the last couple years have all been English, and tied to the London scene. The music that has resonated with me and kept me going is so entrenched in being young and lost and broken and in-and-out-of love in (and with) London.

I love London. And once I get my shit together, I know I'll be able to see that once again.