"The city called me so I came
It isn't mine to question what it said
I sleep until the point when I'm awake
I walk until there's nothing left to trek
And everyone is looking for an answer
And everyone is waiting for a break
I came and I was bored of it soon after
But I had nowhere to go and so I stayed
I dreamed a lifetime of this place
It seemed an awful thing to waste"
Emmy the Great
Over the past week, I've found myself missing Vancouver quite a bit. I think it's the first time I've actually really, really missed it since I moved to London in 2008. I always miss the forests and the ocean and the mountains and the accessibility of beautiful deep, dark wilderness. But Vancouver itself, not so much. So why now?
It may be because the city has been at the height of olympic fever for the last couple weeks, and that everyone seems to be having the time of their lives back at home. Or it may be because it's March and I'm still banging my head against the wall here in London. The city is waking up to spring, but I'm still frozen in the battles of the winter.
Now that I have my 2-year visa - now that I no longer have to fight to be in London - I don't even know if I want to be here anymore. I was convinced that I did, but maybe that was just because I had nowhere else I felt I wanted to go? Or because I was clinging onto something that is no longer here, or wasn't even here to begin with?
The last week is the first time in a long time that I've actually looked at Canada as being a possibility for the future; a place where I am relevant and wanted and loved. Lately I've felt really irrelevant and foreign in London, and like I'll always be an outsider. It's nice to know that somewhere in the world, I'm home, I'll always be home, and I don't have to fight for that right. I may never be a Londoner, but I'll always be a Vancouverite.
Now that I have my 2-year visa - now that I no longer have to fight to be in London - I don't even know if I want to be here anymore. I was convinced that I did, but maybe that was just because I had nowhere else I felt I wanted to go? Or because I was clinging onto something that is no longer here, or wasn't even here to begin with?
The last week is the first time in a long time that I've actually looked at Canada as being a possibility for the future; a place where I am relevant and wanted and loved. Lately I've felt really irrelevant and foreign in London, and like I'll always be an outsider. It's nice to know that somewhere in the world, I'm home, I'll always be home, and I don't have to fight for that right. I may never be a Londoner, but I'll always be a Vancouverite.
I've been listening incessantly to Emmy the Great over the last couple days, and it made me realize that some of the artists I have most fallen in love with over the last couple years have all been English, and tied to the London scene. The music that has resonated with me and kept me going is so entrenched in being young and lost and broken and in-and-out-of love in (and with) London.
I love London. And once I get my shit together, I know I'll be able to see that once again.
3 comments:
You knew I couldn't leave this post well enough alone, could I? My most difficult time after my move to London was about six months after my initial job-secondment ended, so I think you're probably right on schedule. The initial excitement of living here had worn off, and I was in many ways counting the days until I "could" move back to Seattle. (I had set myself an arbitrary time limit to get to know and love London because I can be impatient with myself if I don't set these limits.) Eight years later ...
One of the things that really helped me to make peace with my feeling adrift in London was when a lifelong Seattleite friend told me, "You can always come home, but you can't always live in London." The thing about cities like Seattle and Vancouver is that the lifestyle is so agreeable that it's hard not to pine for them. But every time I have friends from Seattle come to visit, they ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS tell me how lucky I am to live here, even though they do love their city. In my opinion, there's no better place to spend your 20s than here, Trent! Your life stretches out ahead of you in ways that you can't possibly imagine, and there will be plenty of time to kick back.
And once Lent is done you can count on me to be your pub buddy any time you want to come into town, or even when you don't, since my office is 10 min away from Pimlico ...
Note to Trent's mom: I am a harmless, nice guy.
Dear sir,
im am currently working on an charity infomercial for Narcotic Anonymous France : http://www.narcotiquesanonymes.org/
In the script two guys look at some sad picture and laugh about it. One of this picture is a body in a morgue. I just see this picture you made in the old morgue in Vancouver and I would like to know if we could use it.
Pease conctact me for more information.
Regards
ju.gangnet@gmail.com
Thanks for the words, Adam. Always noted and appreciated.
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