This temp job I'm doing right now is killing my soul, and also, just making it all-too-clear to me that I'm not cut out for office work, for ANY work-just-for-the-paycheck kind of jobs. I've known this my whole life. I've been working since I was 15-years-old, and I've always found 90% of the jobs I've done to be utterly spirit-crushing. For the longest time, I think I assumed that this was something I had to get over, something I had to get used to. It's part of being an adult, doing things you don't want to do. It's part of growing up, waking up early every morning and feeling profoundly sad about the day ahead.
But I know now, that it's not something I'll ever get used to. I'm not built like other people. I think my spirit is more sensitive to these things, because it was designed differently. And so I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I'll only be happy in life if I'm doing something that is creatively engaging. I need to tell stories, I need to write, I need to make things that are important and interesting and pure, that relate key aspects of the human experience, that somehow, for someone, make the world a better place. I need to believe 100% in the work I do. And the only thing I believe in 100% is storytelling.
I feel like every force in the world is wanting me to settle, wanting me to compromise and limit myself. Life is short. Don't take risks, you may never amount to anything. You may never be a success! But I want to risk everything for a chance of success on my own terms, for a chance to do only what I love. I will never be happy working in any sort of regular job, even if it affords me a posh flat full of Danish furniture and Icelandic electronics and a cellar full of fine French wine.
Maybe I should be thankful that most jobs make me absolutely miserable. It makes it easier not to settle for anything but that 1%. I just need to figure out, somehow, how to begin working towards that place that my soul, every minute of every day, wants to be.
Discipline! Confidence! Hope! Discipline.
1 comment:
There is something to be said for "paying dues" by working in a job that doesn't often seem very rewarding. But the crucial thing to making such a situation acceptable is, as you identify, at least to get on the right path with that job so that at least it doesn't always seem like a dead end. (Unfortunately, there will be times when a junior-level job in an otherwise interesting field can be, or at least feel like, a dead end.)
I will respectfully disagree that life is short. For some people, it is. But for most of us, it's pretty darn long. You have a long time to get yourself settled. So, while you mentioned discipline, confidence and hope, I suggest patience (with yourself) as well!
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