(Not) Finding Love (In All The Wrong Places)

I went on a few dates recently with someone who was kind and sweet and smart. The conversation was easy, and the company was good. On our last date we walked along the Thames holding hands and enjoyed a good-night kiss; by all accounts, quite nice. A third date was planned, but I was having serious second thoughts: there was no spark, no butterflies, no elation when I received a text message or phonecall.

I've been talking with several friends about the realities of love and dating. It seems, generally speaking, that there are two broad camps, and the line dividing those camps hinge on one rather ridiculous notion: butterflies. There are those that demand it in a relationship, and those that are willing to keep an open mind and work around the fact that sparks may not be there initially.

I saw this recent love interest as a real test as to which camp I stand in. On paper, I believe all people have value and are worth the time to get to know. I don't think you can judge your compatibility with someone based on whether or not they make your knees weak. But at the same time, all I really want is to find someone who makes my knees week. There's nothing more exhilarating, more grounding, than feeling that way about another human being. I need to believe that we live in a magical universe where fantastic things really do happen; where someone amazing will storm into my life, and the romance will fall from the sky like rain.

And so I cancelled the third date. It was an awkward and sad conversation that stretched to 40 minutes, instead of the 10 minutes it should have taken. I felt so bad to disappoint a decent, gentle person who, on so many levels, is looking for exactly the same things I am. What's worse, they responded that they were beginning to feel butterflies for me. That really killed me. Lately I've been mostly on the receiving end of heartbreak, and this was a good reminder that it's just as terrible on the other end. My heart is just too fragile for dating, sometimes.

But I will lift up my chin, I will straighten my collar and tie, and I will head out onto the beautiful streets of London and live my life. Just the idea that someone amazing is waiting out there for me makes being single a lot easier. It makes everything a lot easier.

And so I wait.

I Still Love You Vancouver, and I'm Sorry

Vancouver, I still love you. I’m sorry I sometimes forget about all the good times we’ve had together. I’m sorry that I overlooked your beauty and charm; I’m sorry that I underestimated you. I still long for your beaches and forests and streets, despite the fact that I may be happier elsewhere for a time. I’m thankful for everything you have given me. You gave me wings, Vancouver: wings that have shown me the world, but allow me to fly back and visit. My love for you remains.

~

The snow has continued to fall throughout the rest of my holiday in Vancouver. I have gotten to do very little as a result, and the inconveniences don’t appear to be going anywhere. Today I woke up with a horribly violent flu that had me hallucinating and drifting in and out of consciousness. I was very thankful to have my Mother by my side, feeding me liquids and comfort (even if she was the one that passed on the bug to me in the first place).

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by life at the moment. I see so much “busy work” in the months ahead in London, and I’m not sure where it will all take me. I wish some things could be more certain, like what I want to do next year, and where I want to be. I have such a long list of things I want to do: read books, write books, make art, see art, travel, succeed with school, make new friends, find love, etc. I can’t do it all, and I wish I had more wisdom as to which areas I should be spending my time on.

I was talking with a friend about love and relationships the other night, and we are both so disenchanted and lost in this department. I find it hard to picture myself meeting anyone anytime soon, but the idea that there is someone out there who is absolutely amazing makes me smile. I want to believe there is someone amazing out there; I need to believe it.

Maybe in 2009 I will meet you? Maybe you are the face that I am picturing now? Or maybe you shall remain faceless, elusive. Either way, I have a feeling 2009 is going to be important for me. For better or for worse or for....