"Lick your lips and f*ck suicide"

New Years Eve (and the last party ever) at the Designersblock in Shoreditch = fun, fun fun!

I had an amazing holidays, with my parents and sister in town. They came to London for my Master's graduation ceremony and stayed for Christmas. We spent the time seeing pretty things, eating delicious things, and talking about important things. It was so nice, and the two weeks off from regular life and job hunting really rejuvenated me after the bleakness of my autumn. I feel like I have very little to show for the last few months; nothing really, except some new friendships, some good runs, a completed PhD application, and a general settling-in to the new flat: progress that should represent a month or two, not a whole season.

In the days after my family's sad departure, I found myself slowly regressing back toward the unhealthy emotional/expectational rut of the autumn. But I can't let myself go back there, and I won't. I have to look forward, be productive, and make the year ahead as good as it can possibly be. I have to maintain a healthy mindset and foster a positive outlook. I will get a job, I will get my work visa, I will figure out what I want to do and where I want to be, and I won't be miserable.

Alright, 2010 - surprise me! I'm ready.

Goodbye, Katie. I love you, and I'll miss you!

(Katie is not dead, she just moved back to the States.)

In the present, on the future...

Does adulthood mean being persistently attuned to the fact that at any moment, given a certain change in circumstances, one might become:

a) bankrupt

b) homeless

c) alone

d) crazy

e) dead

f) a social smoker?

Or am I just having a bad day/week/month/season?

London?

Hana at Cafe String in Stockholm

I'm thinking about applying for PhDs for next year, which has also had me thinking a lot about cities and countries and the future, and where I belong in this world.

I've really loved living in London, and part of me can see myself being really happy here in the future. The other part of me still has an insatiable curiosity for the world, and for experiencing life - not just travel - in new corners of it.

I'm not sure whether the fact that I've enjoyed London is necessarily a reason to not keep searching. I was really happy in Singapore, after all, but I know now that having returned would've been the worst mistake of my life. It was a nice chapter while it lasted, but Singapore was not my future.

I spent the other weekend in Stockholm with Hana, and we talked over the options. Hana is from Vancouver too, but we met in Singapore. She's Czech-born, has been doing her Master's in Sweden, and is starting med school in Ireland next year. We've been to 14 countries together across 3 continents. She's my other 'international' friend, and she understands me probably as much as anyone does. Thus, talking to her was really helpful, and discussing leaving London seemed a lot less scary when I was actually outside of England. When I'm in London, it's hard to picture myself elsewhere, like I'm caught in an urban vortex.

Maybe Amsterdam is the place for me? Or Berlin? Or maybe even New York? Or maybe London is indeed the perfect fit, but I'll likely always regret not trying other places while I was young and had the chance. If it's the place for me, I can always come back, right?

I know I learn the most about myself and the world when I'm living in a new city, and I want to keep learning. But at the same time, I also feel the desire for a little bit of stability; to lay down some roots; to build strong friendships; to perhaps have a long-term relationship.

London could be a great place to assert myself, to build the life I want. This prospect has been somewhat clouded by the fact that things have been really rough lately. I have been in a rut, and so I guess I have seen my life in London as also being in a rut. But things will pick up, surely, as they always do. And London will continue to be that great bustling metropolis; representing beauty, diversity, challenge and opportunity. I guess only time will tell whether that's going to be enough to keep me here.

I'm tired of being disappointed...

but I don't want to lower my expectations.

Guy Fawkes Day in Clapham Common

I'm not in love, except with Autumn

Today is Sunday, and I spent it sprawled out in a pile of autumn leaves in Finsbury Park, watching children, dogs and lovers frolic around me in the colourful leaves that littered the ground. It was beautiful.

I'm not in love, I don't have a job, our shower is broken, our internet isn't working, the days are getting colder and darker, and I have no idea what I want from my life, but still, I'm happy. Today, I'm happy.

Adorned with the fleeting warmth of the autumn sun, crunching alone through the leaves with nowhere to go and nobody to see, I realized that for now, this is all I really needed.

This is all I really need.