Vancouver Is Just a (beautiful) Place

If there is anything Christmas has been this year, it's snowy. Inconveniently snowy. Snow everywhere! Snow always! Snow snow snow!

After a cold 2 days stopping over in Toronto, I was looking forward to balmy Vancouver, but I arrived home to record low temperatures and historically high accumulations of snow. Shit - it was crazy! It's finally starting to melt, leaving pools of slush and brown water on the streets of Vancouver. Not romantic, but at least I can leave the driveway now.

I'm sitting in a cafe on Commercial Drive right now, sipping tea and thinking about things. I love travel because I feel like it offers a chance for me to objectively see my world; the distance allows me to gain perspective on my own life. Being in Vancouver has given me a bit of that perspective. Which scares me, I suppose, as that makes it feel all the more like I'm a visitor here. It doesn't feel so much like coming home, as it does like I'm a guest in a place I used to live.

After living in Singapore, returning to Vancouver was a real homecoming. I still had another year of University left after my return, and all my friends were still here. Even though Singapore became my home while I was away, Vancouver still embraced me as home when I came back. Now I'm visiting for the holidays, with no intention to move back anytime soon. I suppose that's the reason I feel like a guest: it doesn't seem like home because I don't see myself here anymore. Or because I don't want to see myself here.

I'm meeting a former love interest for tea at this cafe in a few minutes. How does one greet someone that one used to love (ish), and then didn't, and now doesn't? And how do you greet them for the first time after not seeing them since the time when things were very, very different? With a hug? A kiss on the cheek? ... A handshake?

Life is so awkward. Blurg.

Toronto (is not my lover)

I stopped in Toronto for two nights on my way back to Vancouver for the holidays. Part of me just wanted to see it (it's my country's largest city, and I've never actually been) and visit some friends, but another part of me was window shopping for a new city. It seems like in the last year or two, every time I go to a new city I’m more consciously assessing whether or not I can see myself there. I know Vancouver well (obviously, it’s my home), and find it has a combination of beautiful urban qualities unmatched by any other global city I’ve been to. I love it, but I’m not convinced I’m meant to end up there forever. London I love, and I can picture myself being very satisfied there long-term. The cultural and professional opportunities - coupled with the general charm of the city and the (Vancouver-like) mild climate - are exactly what I’m looking for. But at the same time, I’m open to another city sweeping me off my feet; I’m open to an endless number of urban possibilities.

Toronto is (in many regards) the cultural and economic centre of (Anglo) Canada, with a population twice the size of Vancouver’s. I like the fact that the music scene is better, that so many companies are headquartered there, that I can get a good job easily, etc. On paper Toronto seems like it has a lot to offer me, and so I was totally open to being charmed and courted. And to be honest, I was partly hoping it would win me over. Five million people seems like two-point-seven-million more opportunities to fall in love and be happy than in Vancouver. But in the end, Toronto didn’t really reach out to me. I realize you can’t really make judgements about a city in 36 hours, but sometimes you just know. I liked it, but I'm not sure it's in my cards.

And so, my thoughts return to London. Beautiful London. I’ll see you again in three weeks! Though I must admit that I’m going window shopping in NYC in January, and as always, I’ll keep an open mind.

One Day in London

I was back home in London for one day between Stockholm and heading back to Canada for the holidays. It just fell so good to be back in the city without the stress of school and the newspaper and travel and applications. Weirdly, it seemed like I was the only one in London that day, and I kind of liked it. The last few weeks have been so hectic, and having a day to myself in the city I love was exactly what I needed.

This is taken on the Victoria Embankment on the Thames Path, along the route I take to school everyday.

Stockholm (again)

After a bit of a downer week, some close friends gave me a much-needed kick in the pants. With the ensuing attitude check, I had a fantastic finish to the week in London, before flying to Stockholm for the weekend. Between my friends and all of Tracey’s friends, there were a million people to see. A lot of friendly familiar faces, and plenty of new ones too. Everyone seemed to be in Stockholm this weekend - it was great!

On Monday I went into overdrive to finish my creative writing portfolio for Brown by the application deadline (11:59pm EST). With the help of some new-found inspiration, I was able to put a solid ending on a story I’ve been working on over the last couple weeks in London. I really liked the style and general direction of the piece, but somehow the plot had gotten away from me and I didn’t think I’d be able to include it. Alas, I was able to backtrack and take it in a new direction that - I think - worked quite well. It was a bit of a victory, and finally getting my portfolio in the mail felt great. It doesn’t matter so much whether I get into the program now, what matters is that I was able to finish some really good pieces that I am proud of. Very encouraging.

Winding, winding down...

My first semester at LSE ends tomorrow. It's been a great term. I've met amazing people and have had a really good time. It's gone by too quickly, of course, and it's kind of depressing to think I'm halfway through my program. I suppose the real goal of studying here is to attach an MSc to my name from a really prestigious university, but for me, going to school is more about the GOING, not so much the finishing. I don't really like the finishing part, particularly when you're having such a good time.

In other regards, I go back and forth between feeling good about things, and being terribly disappointed in myself. Part of coming to London was for me to have an opportunity to get closer to my best self. I love this city so much, but as far as personal goals, I haven't really moved any closer to becoming the person I want to be. I've got so much work to do on myself, it sometimes just feels just too overwhelming. And life here moves so quickly, if you don't really dig your heels in, it's quite easy to get swept along in the chaos. It's quite easy to move forward without really moving forward. That's part of what I love about London, though. Even though I recognize it's kind of dangerous.

I'm applying for a Master's program at Brown University. It's in literary arts, and it's hella competitive. It was my dream for the longest time, getting into Brown. Now I'm not so sure. I see so much potential in London, in the millions of faces walking through the streets of this beautiful dynamic city. I feel like there are so many stories here; so much to learn and experience. Even though the program at Brown is fantastic (and I would be LUCKY to get in), I can't help but wonder how hard the adjustment would be moving to Providence, RI. It's a lovely little city, and an Ivy League school, but... well... London has a hold on me. And I suppose only time will tell how strong its grasp is!

Weekend in Belfast

Went to Belfast for the weekend with some friends.  It was frosty and freezing cold, but thankfully the streets were lined with plenty of warm, friendly pubs.  Besides that, Belfast is interesting and also not too interesting at the same time.  Not a whole lot to see, but we enjoyed mulled wine and festive treats at a very nice Christmas Market in front of Belfast City Hall. 

I returned home on Monday evening (December 1st) to see that my local cafe had put up a Christmas tree.  Hard to believe I'll be on a plane for Christmas in Canada now in just over 2 weeks.  The fall has melted away.  Life does that when you're having fun.