Fighting Words

How do you channel so much passion and anger into a cause? How do you pick a cause when there a million things to be passionately angry about?

How do we focus on fighting for the things we believe in, when our world is so fucking expensive, and paying the bills is a battle on its own?

I need a venue for my talents that uses them fully, that develops them and moves me forward.

I need a venue for my passion and anger that channels it towards something constructive and powerful.

I want change. I want to learn and study and know. I want to know what the fuck I am talking about. And I want you to listen.

I want to connect with people that are subversive not for the sexiness of rebellion and the coolness of alternativeness, but because the engrained badness in the world needs subverting.

Can you help me? Can I help you?

We thought we had such problems. How were we to know we were happy?

My sister gave me 'The Handmaid's Tale' for my birthday. It's been ages since I've read Margaret Atwood. Her prose is inspirational. It makes me happy to read good Canadian fiction, like it does to listen to good Canadian music. It means something more, like eating nice food grown in your own backyard.

"I lie in bed, still trembling. You can wet the rim of a glass and run your finger around the rim and it will make a sound. This is what I feel like: this sound of glass. I feel like the word shatter. I want to be with someone."

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

It's November - half way through November, actually! I completely missed October, due to the London Film Festival; missed the leaves falling and the autumn-y romance of London parks.

I turned 25 last week. It wasn't a big deal. I remember 24 seeming like such a THING: I was no longer in my early 20s; I no longer had the excuse of being so young; the years were getting away from me now, and I was no closer to being where I wanted to be.

24, on paper, was a year with more failures than successes. But in reality, it was a year filled with so much trying and fighting, and with coming to terms with what I want, what I need, and getting comfortable with myself in the process. I think I'm a lot more comfortable with everything, actually: more resigned to the ebb and flow of the universe, but increasingly aware of things that will and won't move me further ahead, and more committed to fighting my own personal battles.

I wrapped up my position at the 2010 BFI London Film Festival at the beginning of the month. It was one of the most emotionally and physically exhausting experiences of my life, but I can't begin to say how much I enjoyed it. I've met incredibly inspiring people from around the world, made many friends, and pushed my own personal limits. Hopefully some of the connections I've made will blossom into future opportunities. We'll see!

Last week I was marvelling over the fact that my plan for the autumn - getting an internship, and then going to Algeria to do my novel research - was actually going ahead perfectly. My plans never actually go ahead! Just a few days after being baffled by the realisation that things were working out, I found out my tourist visa for Algeria was not going to be completed in time for my flight this weekend - if it even goes through at all. So I won't be boarding that plane on Saturday.

I'm okay with that. It's thrown a kink in my plans, but the fact that I've actually booked tickets, made the preparations, and put things in motion, means so much on a personal level. I know I'm going - eventually - and that this project, which I believe in so strongly, will be completed.

All in good time, Trent. All in good time.

Now 25, let's do this thing.