Back in the Fast Lane

Sarajevo

My first week back in London was a bit shitty. I got the worst jetlag I think I've ever had, and wandered around the city like a zombie. So many of the people I loved in this city have moved away in the short time I've been gone, and their ghosts lingered on street corners. To make things even more grim, the rain began to fall. And fall. And fall.

I booked a ticket to Sarajevo, and 36-hours later I was greeted at the airport by my dear Jelena. Two other close friends who are moving from London to Singapore (sad!) were also visiting her, which is a large part of the reason I decided to go. We had a great time in Sarajevo, which really charmed me the second time around, and then spent the weekend in Dubrovnik, soaking up sunshine beside the sea. They had rented an amazing flat just outside the walls of the old town with a great view over the harbour and the city, and a little garden in the back where we drank too much at night and recovered over coffee and breakfast the following mornings.

I came back to London totally rejuvenated. Being with people I love - and possibly the people that understood me and tolerated me the most in London - was exactly what I needed. I had no idea how drained I really was, never really getting a holiday after the dissertation wrapped up. It was the perfect last-minute decision.

And now I'm back to London, out of the funk I was in, ready to move on and start (re)building a life. Applying for jobs, getting settled into our new flat, making new friends, maybe even dating again. Life, as always, moves on. And I'm okay with that.

One battle won; the neverending fight of London approaches

The dissertation is done.  Done!  Not necessarily done well, but printed and stapled and submitted and, therefore, finished.

Right now I'm sprawled out on the sofa on my parent's patio, wrapped up in a light blanket, listening to the late-summer rain fall around me, Noah and the Whale playing in the background.  I just want to be alone here in this moment.  I don't want to go anywhere, and I don't want to see anyone, and I don't want to do anything.  I just want to be alone and quiet.

But I'm returning to the bustle of London in 5 days, and I've got far too many goodbyes (and hellos) to say before then, and so much to do to get ready.  Oh, London.  You seem so far away from me right now.  And I'm afraid to return to you.  I don't want to start living again, just yet.  And London forces me to live, or even more, to fight to live.  And that reality, as I lay here listening to raindrops fall on the green leaves of the backyard garden, is a bit overwhelming.  I'm not sure I'm ready to fight again. Yet.